Building Trust
Trust has been shown as a key issue in relationship. While it may seem like stating the obvious, the level of trust in a relationship functions as one of the strongest predictors of overall relational health, and is directly tied to success or failure. Couples with higher levels of trust typically have better communication, more empathy, and greater understanding for one another – all factors that contribute to relational success. In contrast, relationships with lower levels of trust are more likely to experience chronic conflict, and may have difficulty reconnecting after a period of tension.
If trust is so important, how do I increase it in my relationship?
This question can be especially difficult when there have been unmet needs or expectations in a partnership, or if the couple has experienced significant betrayal. While trust can be lost in one single, impactful incident, building (or rebuilding) trust happens in small steps and gradually increases over time. This process can look as unique as the people in the relationship, however it tends to follow a general pattern.
Emotional connection is a key foundation of healthy relationship. When I choose to turn toward my partner and their emotional experience rather than turning away from it or withdrawing into myself, trust is increased.
Imagine, for example, that you are in the middle of a project when you notice that your partner is sitting quietly in a different room looking upset. This is called an “emotional window moment” – a window of emotional vulnerability and a chance for connection. You have two choices – you can either ignore the situation and continue with finishing your project, or you can choose to engage in the moment and connect with the other person.
In order to establish or maintain a healthy relationship, this connection must be driven by a willingness to show up in the situation authentically, not from a desire to fix the situation for the other person. Trust is established by giving the message “I trust you to take care of yourself, and you can trust me to support you through whatever that process looks like.”
Moving one step deeper, the smaller building block of trust is benefit of the doubt. Benefit of the doubt can be understood like an emotional bank account: when I turn towards authentic connection in emotional window moments, I make a deposit into the account. When I disappoint, betray, or perform for my partner, I make a withdraw. Trust can only be maintained in a relationship when the balance of benefit of the doubt is greater than the withdraw I’m trying to make.
Deposits can be made into the emotional bank account by choosing to ATTUNE to the other person in the relationship:
A – Awareness of the other person’s emotions
T – Turning towards the emotion instead of away from it
T – Tolerance of different viewpoints
U – Understanding (or trying to understand) your partner
N- Non-defensiveness
E – Empathy
When I attune to my partner, I am making a deposit into the emotional bank account that will help to build trust in the relationship. When I turn away from connection or choose not to ATTUNE, I am making a withdrawal from the account. When I engage in a chronic pattern of withdrawing without making deposits, of attachment fractures without repairs, it can lead to disconnection within the relationship and unhealthy engagement with my partner.
Unfortunately, making withdraws is not always intentional. Whether I turn away because I don’t have the emotional capacity to engage, because I don’t care, or because I missed an emotional window completely, the impact is ultimately the same.
“He didn’t ask me about the difficult conversation with my boss.”
“She forgot that it was the anniversary of my friend’s death.”
“He said he would be home at 6, but it’s 7 and he still hasn’t called.”
When I don’t notice that my partner is upset, when I try to perform instead of being present, when I forget to tell you that I’m going to be late – all of these are withdraws that I may not realize I am making. In order for trust to be maintained or increased within a relationship, I must make an active effort to build these points of connection and repair attachment fractures as I become aware of them.
But what do I do when my partner has deeply hurt me and doesn’t deserve my trust?
There may be times in our relationships that the betrayal seems too great or the attachment feels so damaged that I cannot imagine how it could be repaired. In those moments each of us faces a choice. If I have expressed my hurt and my partner is trying to make deposits in the account as best as they can, I may need to give them an emotional loan.
An emotional loan occurs when I give my partner more trust than they have earned on the belief that they will be able to re-establish trust as time goes on. It is, in essence, saying, “you haven’t earned back my trust yet, but if you continue to make payments consistently and on time, I will choose to give you some anyway.“ A loan isn’t a blank check. There are limits and expectations and ultimately I may be setting myself up to be hurt. But if I am able to ATTUNE to my partner, even as they have hurt me, we may be able to repair the attachment fracture that has been experienced.
When trust increases within a relationship, willingness to be vulnerable and authentic often follow close behind. This development allows greater comfort with both intimacy and independence; trust that I will be ok on my own, and that I will be ok when I am vulnerable with you. This balance can help lead not only to healthier relationships with the important people in one’s life, but also a healthier sense of one’s own ability and security in themselves.
If trust is so important in relational health, what deposits are you willing to make today?